


Obsessed.

by Shxeep



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Anorexia, Drabble, M/M, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 08:18:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2461274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shxeep/pseuds/Shxeep





	Obsessed.

Silent laughter filled his ears when he came out the of the fitting cabin. He was trying one of the skinny jeans he had liked for a while already but when he came out the cabin and examined himself in the large mirror , all he could hear was whispering and silent giggling. He watched himself closely in the mirror and saw the jeans fitting too tight around his thighs, the skin of his tummy falling over the hem of his pants.   
Embarrassed and with a flushed face while tears were stinging in his eyes, he pulled down the shirt he was wearing to cover all the ‘fat’ and ran back into the cabin, quickly pulling off the jeans and stood in front of the mirror half naked looking at his body.  
A heavy sigh left his lips as he took the skin between his hands and pinched it. When he looked down, he poked with his index finger on his chubby thighs, ’It moved. It fucking moved,’ he thought. A single tear rolled down his cheek, in reaction he immediately wiped it away. When he saw his reflection in the mirror again he pulled on his own clothes and stormed out of the shop.

The burning feeling in his throat , the smell of his last meal and the sharp and disgusting scent of heartburn invading his nose while his finger poked in his throat to get rid of the ramen and cookies he last ate. Youngjae coughed and a trail of saliva remained on his chin while tears were stinging in his eyes as he held himself onto the edges of the toilet.  
“it’s all good, it’s all good,” he kept telling himself, “you don’t want to be laughed at right?” His throat was soar from throwing up his food.  
Two weeks already. Two weeks he was stuffing himself with food while crying because of all the laughing and words people had been throwing at him, to just throw it up again because he felt guilty for eating it all.  
In the beginning he tried to avoid it all, avoiding all the sweets and fast food and it went to the point he began to starve himself.  
His boyfriend Daehyun noticed something was going on with Youngjae, every time when he was in the same room as him , he’d ask him what was going on and Youngjae answer would always be that he wasn’t hungry or that he had no time to eat because he was going to gym.

After a while Daehyun also noticed the other became skinnier whenever he saw him and he became more worried about his boyfriend’s health.  
He missed the old Youngjae, the old fluffy slight chubby Yoo Youngjae he met, the Youngjae he fell in love with. He wanted the Youngjae back who didn’t care about the comments other people gave him about his weight, yes he knew the younger was sensitive about that topic, but he didn’t care how he looked like, how much he weighed. He liked Youngjae for him.  
That was when he heard Youngjae vomiting, for the first time, in the bathroom after they had eaten their dinner. Youngjae was hungry and he ate everything but he felt guilty right after and spurted to the toilet to spit it all out.

Daehyun ran after him and heard him throwing up again. The elder boy his stomach turned around hearing his boyfriend suffering. He knocked hard on the door waiting for Youngjae to answer him.  
The younger was washing his face and brushing his teeth to get rid of the taste of the sour that was burning in his throat and was looking at his reflection in the mirror, still not content with how his body looked like after all those days. He let out a frustrated sigh while turning his back to the man he hated so much, when he heard the hard knocking on the door and the worried yet slightly angry voice of Daehyun. The younger rolled his eyes and walked up the door. ”Dae! Can you just…” He opened the door and was indeed facing a worried and angry Daehyun. ”…stop yelling at me,” Youngjae muttered to his lover as he looked down to the ground.  
Daehyun widened his eyes when he saw the silhouette of his boyfriend standing in front of him. Hollow cheeks, skinny waist, dark bags under his eyes and…this wasn’t the Yoo Youngjae he knew.  
“B-baby,” the elder stuttered as he carefully looked at his lover, hurting because of how the younger looked like. Hurting because he didn’t protect Youngjae from all the bashing. Hurting because he didn’t talk to him. His eyes went hard as he clenched his fists. ”Stop it. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!” he yelled at the younger, ”Stop doing this to yourself. You are perfect to me. The most perfect man I’ve ever seen. You’re perfect to me and you shouldn’t be perfect to others. Isn’t it already okay that I think you’re looking good? That I fell for your fluffiness. That I fell for you when you weren’t this skinny? Do you even think about what I think when I see you with those hollow cheeks and all your bones poking out. You think I find this beautiful?” The elder panted heavily right now. He saw Youngjae gulping and wanting to say something, but he hadn’t gotten the chance as Daehyun kept talking with a raised tone.  
”Cause I don’t think this is beautiful. Far from it. I do not like the new Youngjae. I want MY Youngjae back.” He ended his tantrum. He saw Youngjae being speechless and regretted everything he said but he had to say it. This is what was bothering him.   
Youngjae couldn’t believe it. The elder just didn’t understand.  
“You just don’t understand.” The younger clenched his fists and left the room with no turning back at Daehyun.

\--

Youngjae’s stomach was growling. He wanted to eat so badly but he had to resist the urge to take the cookies that was laying in front of him to eat. He just had. He stood up walked to his room and began to cycle on his home trainer. Since he ran away from Daehyun ,what was 2 weeks already, Youngjae lived back in his small apartment and was still paying attention to everything he ate and how his body looked like. He started to use laxative whenever he ate something because his throat hurt too much after vomiting so many days.

Daehyun was worried and tried to call his lover couple of times but all the time he called, the younger never picked up. He didn’t know where he hid himself so it was useless to see the younger. He went to the place they visited the most, the park, the mall, and at a little stall they could eat tofu and fried rice. But nowhere he was been found. Every day he went back to those places hoping one day Youngjae would come out and let Daehyun see his face. That day came quickly, after the 18th day Youngjae ran away from his home, Daehyun spotted him at the park. He gasped as he almost didn’t recognize the Youngjae he once was. If it wasn’t for his beautiful full lips he would have passed him by, ”Y-Youngjae?”,Daehyun tried to lock his eyes with Youngjae’s but he just looked away, he got frustrated and cupped the other cheeks making the younger looking at him. He was met with lifeless orbs. His eyes didn’t let shine out any sign of the joyful fluff bear he once was. It was all dead.

“Jae.” The elder whispered, feeling his stomach twitch as he saw his lover dead eyeing him, he let go of the other man’s cheeks crouching down in front of him, ”Please stop with this. Please. Look at you.” Taking Youngjae’s hands in his feeling how cold his hands were , frowning deeply.   
“Goddammit!”,he cursed without looking at Youngjae or even let him speak, ”You’re really going to do this? You’re really going to continue living like this? Like a walking skeleton? Youngjae why do you even want to lose weight?” Daehyun asked him softly but in a serious matter.  
The younger sighed shakingly, looking down at his hands that Daehyun was holding, ”I…I was trying new skinnies” he started his story closing his eyes trying to remember why he started his obsessive behavior of looking good by losing weight, ”and when I came out of the fitting room ,the customers were all laughing with me. They were laughing with me and my fat.” He spitted out the last word, he felt himself growing disgusted by himself again of the thought of the excess skin that was hanging over the belt when he looked in the mirror, ”It was horri-“, Daehyun shuttled Youngjae’s mouth by pressing an intense kiss on the other’s lips. The younger looked at the other with watery eyes while Daehyun was smiling warmly at him,” You’re perfect Yoo Youngjae. You’re perfect in so many ways. It’s not you that is fucked up. Society is. You’re beautiful and I love you with all my heart. I don’t want to see you suffering just because of a couple stupid jerks said you were not beautiful.” Daehyun embraced the latter in a warm hug, kissing the top of his head, ”Please promise me you’ll stop and just be happy with who you are?”,the eldest of the two asked.  
Youngjae looked up to his lover and smiled through his upcoming tears nodding as he promised. 

As long Daehyun could accept him how he was, he’ll try to accept him too. As long Daehyun was here, Youngjae wouldn’t listen to any other person talking about him.  
He had an unhealthy obsession with his weight, now he’ll have a healthy obsession about accepting himself.


End file.
